Understanding that you’re writing towards the “bromance” target audience, this is my two cents:

If anything, I’d add MORE vulgarity. I assume these characters have been trapped in space for a long time TOGETHER and by now have developed their own language and catch phases they speak to each other. “FUCK” is too elementary for them. They need something a little more eloquent like “Bitchin’ Shitfuckers” or smart like “Fuck, dude, we’re more screwed than that whore we met on Bloggeden Nine.” If you’ve seen Juno or Superbad – you know what I’m talking about.

Next – Give the black hole more of reason to have sex with the ship – go back and rewrite the situation so that there’s more actual dialogue of flirting. In real life, you just don’t find a girl and go at it – you have to romance her at the bar and then get her home to perform the act. Give us more foreplay at the beginning.

With that said, there needs to be more VISUALS. Movies are a visual medium. The less words – the more exciting it is. Words are for books and the theater. Your dialogue should be sparse, it makes it more effective.

Any good screenplay goes through several rewrites. Give the characters their own language and make the situation more metaphorical of real life.

That’s my two cents.
-Wal

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The cursing was a little dense for me, especially considering it could have been cut almost entirely. Plus each swear word detracts from the relevance of its brethren. I think the bit about the orb telling him to fuck his mother would be funnier without exhausting that word beforehand.

I felt a little more background could be worked in for the less SF savvy viewer, even if just a line about how this thing doesn’t seem to want to make contact.

It’s hard to call it rape when it was their idea and they never really said no. I’d like to see one of the guys point that out. Maybe Roy can’t remember the Italian word for “stop”.

It’s a cute idea in a disturbing kind of way. I like a lot about it. It could almost be an Axe body spray commercial. It could make a very nice flash piece, too. Good luck with it.

-Oso

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Also, with the vulgarity, I hardly noticed it was there after the first cuss word (and probably only then because you said something). If in editing, some goes away, that’s fine, but I don’t believe it needs toned down.

I loved the ending, and I laughed again to think just what adventures were being had with Roy and Clay and the “lover-ship”.

I do think that people resist the promise of the stars. They struggle so hard to stay in their familiar mode and role… Now, I’m not saying that I’m wishing for some massive metallic sphere to descend from the heavens and carry me off, but it would be interesting to go.

The only bit that tripped me up was ‘space raped by default’… my brain was trying to work out what kind of a beast a default was…

I didn’t notice the swearing… that’s what comes of living in Scotland maybe.

And I loved the fact it took us off to see the stars… We spend so much time resisting that invitation don’t we?

See you in cyberspace sometime

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